Do you remember as a kid, those long summer days that seemed endless, exploring the beach or the forest, swimming at the neighborhood pool, riding bikes with your friends?   Do you still know how to play like that?  As children, play is essential to our learning, growth and social development.  Yet, at some point, our lives become serious.  We must go to work and we lose our ability to play. Yet, as adults play is just as important.  We need the same opportunities because to be alive is to always be learning and growing.

“Deep Play”, a more important sounding term for those of us who may need permission to play as adults, is essential for our well-being, our work and our relationships. Deep play offers our mind an opportunity to relax, “take your mind off it”, and allows that invisible wisp of inspiration to land on your shoulder as softly as a butterfly.  Have you ever had a problem you just could not think your way out of only to solve it in the shower or find the ideas flowing during a long walk or a hike?

Diane Ackerman thought deep play so important that she wrote a book about it.  She defines deep play as “A state of unselfconscious engagement with our surroundings. An exalted zone of transcendence over time. A state of optimal creative capacity.”  Martha Beck describes deep play or real play as “a wildly creative application of deep practice (mastering something difficult)”.  How much of the time is your play wildly creative these days?

There are multitudes of ways to deep play.  Writing, dancing, playing soccer, singing, painting, hiking, creating pottery or blown glass, backpacking, white water rafting, surfing, paddle boarding, running, playing basketball, anything at all that makes your heart sing, stops time and gives you a sense of freedom to create and to choose.  Notice I did not include lying on a beach in the sun.  Deep play is active.  It requires stimulation of parts of the brain not normally active during routine daily stress.  It helps us out of our rational mind, into the creative center of our brain, the right brain that is filled with unlimited inspiration. Deep play requires you to take time for yourself to do something for yourself.

Travel is a form of deep play for me.  It takes me out of my normal routine and challenges my mind to come up with new patterns for taking a shower, getting dressed, finding my shoes.  I love new places and new experiences.

Recently, I was in place of feeling stuck and uninspired.  I was spending a lot of time behind my computer, stressing about starting a new business and losing touch with the creative part of myself.  So against the better judgment of my rational mind to spend money and take time away, my daughter and I took a long weekend and went to Stehekin, a village at the head of Lake Chelan, near the North Cascades National Park.  We had a fabulous time camping, hiking, and swimming in the freezing lake on a hot day.  It was just the time I needed to open up my life to a fresh perspective.  I realized how stuck I’d been and how I’d forgotten to play.  I’d forgotten my passion for nature, its beauty and grandness and how it feeds my soul.  This deep play was what I needed to see how far I’d moved away from the mission of my work and my own passion to transform my work into play.

Deep play is essential to our well-being, as vital as eating and sleeping. Yet, all too often we set it aside for another day when we have time.  But many times that day never comes and our lives pass by in a long series of days, moving from one thing to the next.

So in these final warm days of summer take some time for yourself and get out there and create some deep play!  Let me know how it goes.

Happy 4th of July to all of you!  As we celebrate the independence of our country, I can’t help but think of our individual freedom that we so proudly defend.  What is true freedom?  What is it that has us stuck or keeps us from taking that next step toward what we truly desire in life?  This independence day, I’m shining the light on those things that we keep hidden from ourselves–all the fears, beliefs, rules and habits that we follow unconsciously because that is what we have always done. The good news is that we can choose whether or not we want to keep these fears, beliefs, rules and habits and create a new path if we want!

The difference between rules and choices

Our constitution guarantees us the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  But how many of us truly take advantage of this freedom that our nation’s founders saw fit to provide for us?  Do we make choices based on what we truly want or do we settle for what we think we can have?  Do we tell ourselves “I would like to” but “I can’t afford it” or “I don’t have time”?  Are we stopped from being who we truly are because of what others would think?  Or because someone once told us this is how we should or shouldn’t act?

These are the rules, habits, and beliefs that we were taught or learned growing up.  As adults we continue to live with these mostly unconscious taboos running our lives.  But do they truly work for us anymore?  I once had a client who as a child was told to “wait to be asked”.  Trying to be a “good girl”, she once went all day at a friend’s house without a glass of water because they didn’t ask!  As an adult that translated into being afraid to ask for help, which can be a real block to that feeling of freedom.  Another client, dealing with the same issue of asking for help, wanted more time for herself, but was living with the “moms do it all” rule.  As a busy working mom, once she started to value herself and her time, she decided that that particular rule was not working in her life.  She ditched the rule and asked her family to help with the house work.  They agreed and she gained some valuable “me time”.

We can act in ways of rebelling against the rules as well and think we’re making different choices for ourselves.  Over spending, over eating, over working or doing anything to the extremes can be a sign of reacting to a rule.  When we’re reacting rather than choosing, we’re still trapped by the rules.  The key is to make these rules, habits, and beliefs conscious so that we can take time to examine them.

Ask yourself, what do I truly want for myself: a new car, a new job, a new life? What do I value: peace, joy, aliveness, adventure?  What would I like to create: a business, art, health?  Once conscious about the things that stop you—whether it’s the rules that say you can’t, the belief that “good moms don’t or do…” or the habit of thinking “I’m not good enough”—then you can make true choices for freedom and take a step toward what you truly desire for yourself in this life.

When you can make choices, you are free to be who you are and can create for yourself a life you love!

To your freedom!

Leigh Calvez

Have you ever noticed yourself clinging to what you don’t want just because you’re afraid to take a step toward what you do want?  Why do we do that?  Why do we automatically assume that we will lose ground, like we’re guarding some hard won prize to keep it from slipping through our fingers only to be left with nothing? Why do we tolerate what we don’t want?  What if what’s coming next will be better than what we have now?  It’s habit that has us stuck in fear of “losing ground”.

I recently experienced this on a simple yet profound level with my vacuum cleaner.  A few years ago, I bought a fancy new vacuum after years of using a less than ideal upright with a bag that needed changing every so often.  When I got a new vacuum, I was thrilled with its bag free canister and green and red lights that let me know when the carpet was clean.  It also had attachments that let me clean and dust furniture and drapes.  I felt an instant boost in my ego that was so concerned with having a clean house that I rarely invited friends over because I was so worried about what they would think of my dirty house.  But with this vacuum, I could clean more effectively.  It didn’t change the frequency of my cleaning—I strongly dislike (hate) house cleaning—but at least it looked good when I did clean.

But as I used this vacuum, it developed problems.  It was made of plastic, so things broke easily, like the piece that let me wind and store the cord and the piece that held the vacuum upright when I paused during vacuuming.  Most of all I was deeply annoyed with the fact that the belt snapped easily and I could not change it myself.  It needed professional attention.  But I diligently had it repaired over and over.  I loved this vacuum cleaner, despite its faults, because it made me feel good about myself. (The fact that a vacuum cleaner had such power over my self esteem could be the topic of another blog).

So, when I moved into my new house with my two cats, a carpet that attracted their hair like Velcro and my lovely vacuum cleaner that would never get this new carpet all the way clean, I grew more and more frustrated.  But I hung in there.  The lights were still telling me that my carpet was clean.

Then when my vacuum died for the last time, I panicked.  I did not want to spend $200 to $400 on another vacuum right then, so surely, my next vacuum cleaner would be a cheap piece of plastic.  Oh, woe was me!  How would I ever get the house so clean again?  I waited weeks before buying a new vacuum, as my carpet collected more cat hair every day.  I finally broke down and bought my next cheap piece of plastic for $50, my Mother’s Day present to myself.  I was sure it would be inferior, but I made sure it had attachments!

My daughter Ellie and I brought the new vacuum cleaner home like a new baby, carefully unpacked it and put it together.  When she tried it for the first time, Ellie said, “Mom it’s like magic!” And it was.  To my surprise it worked better than Ellie walking around with tape wrapped around her feet!  Cat hair completely gone.  Swept away like my habit of expecting to lose ground.

I don’t know if you ever do this or if it’s just me.  But if you find yourself holding on to what you don’t want, afraid of losing ground, think of what you could be missing.  Take a step toward what you do want and create something better for yourself.  Notice your beliefs; do you automatically assume the worst? Or do you consider the possibility that your next step could turn out better than you think!

I would like to know what you’re holding on to and what you want to create.  Leave a comment below.

Habits are for the most part unconscious patterns of behavior, thoughts or beliefs that may or may not serve us. Until we become aware of our habits we cannot make the best choices for ourselves. Are your habits holding you back?

Please enjoy my latest vlog in which I share a story about habits. Look into your own life at the habits you hold and make a new choice for yourself if these patterns no longer serve you.

Please leave a comment and let me know if this was helpful!

Enjoy your day!

I hope you enjoy my latest adventure tip for moving past your fear in order to create what you want in your life.

I recently read a fascinating book entitled Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani about her journey through cancer, a near death experience, to true healing.  It’s a modern day miracle story of resurrection that is perfect for the spirit of Easter.

Anita begins the book by telling of her early life caught between three very different cultures as a child of Indian parents, living in Hong Kong and raised by a Chinese nanny, while attending British school with the children of British expatriates.  As confusing as it all was, she found herself trying to fit in somewhere, yet never quite satisfying any of the cultural norms she was exposed to and certainly never able to fully express her true self or her hopes and dreams.  She lived in fear of making a cultural misstep and displeasing her family.

Then one day, after she finally found her own way in life and married a man she truly loved and who loved her for herself, she found a lump just above her collar bone.  She was diagnosed with lymphoma, a cancer of the lymphatic system.  She battled the disease for four years until her body was full of lemon-sized tumors and her lungs were filled with fluid.  She was rushed to the hospital where she slipped into a coma and her family was told to prepare for the worst.

Anita describes in great detail the near death experience that followed.  She was greeted by her father and best friend both of whom had died a few years before. She describes feeling at one with all things and shares her revelation that “We are pure love—every single one of us…I knew that was really the only purpose of life: to be our self, live our truth and be the love that we are.”  She knew she had a choice to return to her body or not.  “I chose to return when I realized ‘heaven’ is a state, not a place…” she writes.

Eleven days after waking from her thirty-hour coma, her body was cancer free.  A negative bone marrow biopsy, a lymph node biopsy that never happened because the radiologist couldn’t find a tumor to biopsy and a negative PET scan would leave the doctors dumbfounded.

I appreciate the precise detail and the courage it took Anita to tell her story about both her near death experience and her hospital stay. It is not an easy thing to tell a story that the logical mind cannot comprehend or understand.  How does one heal so quickly and completely from a disease like cancer?

Anita’s story stirred memories in me of my own traumatic illness from which I was given a 5% chance of surviving after slipping into a two week coma from a Group B Strep infection.  I do not remember a near death experience but reading this book took me to a place within myself of knowing that what Anita shares is truth, that we all share the purpose of being who we each came to be and of finding a way to express and share who we are—all our passion and genius—with the world.  We are all much bigger and more significant than we ever give ourselves credit for.

I highly recommend Dying To Be Me to anyone who is looking for inspiration to continue along their path and courage to face their fears and live the life of their dreams.

One of the keys to happiness is accepting yourself for who you are.  That is a nice phrase and it sounds good, but what does that really mean?

Accepting yourself means loving (or at least liking or merely allowing) all your interests, creativity, imagination, beauty, faults, goals, dreams to be whatever they are, however weird they may seem, rather than wishing or striving to be something or somebody else, to look like that person over there, or to think like this other person.

Be who you are.  We all came into this world with a unique genius to share with the world.  You are the only one of you that will ever be.  No one else can give the gift you came to give to the world.

Many of us have traveled the life path laid before us by society, family and friends.  We do what is expected of us.  We bend ourselves into pretzel shapes to accept the terms of “success” as society dictates—get the job that pays the most money, get married, have 2.5 kids, a nice house, and a great car—rather than defining “success” for ourselves and looking for what would make us happy.  We fit in and we stay in unhappy jobs and relationships because it makes our lives look good.

I have done it myself.  I have been trying to run from myself for most of my adult life, which is fairly difficult considering that “wherever you go there you are”.  I have been denying my true nature in favor of my idea of what other people think I should be or do.

Years ago a spiritual teacher told me that writing would be important in my life.  I did write for a while, but when I couldn’t make money, I walked away for a “secure”, paying job and used that as an excuse to stop writing.  I also knew early on that I wanted to lead an adventurous life.  And I did for a while.  I found a job doing humpback whale research in Hawaii and worked on a whale watch boat as a naturalist.  Doing that job, I always felt guilty doing what felt more like play than work and for not making much money.  I could go on with the excuses, but eventually I left that job as well and wandered from one dissatisfying job to another.

Now the great spiral of my life has turned once again and I notice that I have traveled in a big circle only to return to myself.  I now find myself writing regularly and leading an adventurous life as small business owner of a women’s adventure coaching practice.

Those were the choices I made—not wrong or right.  They created the pattern of my life that I can see now and claim as who I am.  However, I spent many years wandering aimlessly, wasting time saying “I don’t know what I want to do” when I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but was afraid to do it.  I was hiding from myself.  My confusion was my excuse because I felt uncomfortable wanting more out of my life than the society’s prescribed definition of “success”.

I have found that what makes me truly happy is knowing and being who I authentically am.  How much happier would I have been during those years of aimless wandering if I had been developing my gifts, talents and skills rather than denying and hiding from them.  Suffering is definitely optional!

The renowned storyteller, author and mythology scholar Michael Meade tells the story of a Rabbi who upon his death was asked by God, “Did you become yourself?”  The greatest adventure in life is to discover who you came here to be and be that.  Are you becoming yourself?

Leave a comment below and let me know!

Are you stuck in a rut? Do you feel trapped by fear, afraid to move out of your comfort zone to take the next big step in your life? Have you lost the happiness and excitement you used to feel to the busy-ness of balancing marriage, motherhood and career or any combination of the three?

As a life/adventure coach, one of my passions is helping women reclaim themselves. As a busy working mom myself, I know the hazards of trying to have it all. Something’s gotta give right? And usually it’s us, our joy and aliveness. One thing that I have found to raise my level of happiness and satisfaction is to invite adventure into my life everyday—even if it’s just a little bit.

How do we invite adventure in? Well it begins with a perspective shift. Adventurous is a feeling we can choose to feel at any time just like happiness. It’s a vibration of feeling that with practice we can learn to tune into like tuning into a radio station.

Here’s a little exercise: Take a couple of deep breaths and for a moment let go of your day. Picture in your mind your last great adventure. Were you skiing or hiking in the Rockies, snorkeling on a coral reef in Hawaii, or sipping a latte at a café in Paris? Were you with a lover, your family or by yourself? Make it as real as possible. What did you hear, the bells of a cathedral, the songs of birds? What do you smell, the fragrance of evergreens, the sharp scent of the Bengay you rubbed on your aching legs after your last triathlon? Now focus on the feeling of the adventure. Did you feel freedom, joy, wonder, curiosity, aliveness? Enjoy in this moment the feeling of that past adventure. Remember the feeling.

Once you learn to tune into that feeling you can call it up at any time during any event like when you are lost on a back road somewhere looking for someone’s house or racing your child to the emergency room for stitches. Life’s everyday occurrences begin to take on the newness of adventure with this shift in perspective.

There are other ways we can call adventure into our everyday lives:

1. Try going to a place you’ve never been but have always been curious about. Step out of your comfort zone. Take your kids somewhere you’ve never been. Tell everyone you’re going on an adventure but don’t tell them where. It lends a little extra spice to any daytrip.

I recently found myself with a spare hour to myself after dropping my daughter at a Girl Scout meeting. I didn’t want to go all the way home, so I decided to look for a labyrinth at a nearby church I’d heard of but never been to. I got curious about what I would find. I enjoyed walking the winding path, as I pondered life in this quiet moment. It was a short adventure, but it gave me the sense of newness from doing something for the first time.

2. Try embracing a fear. Do something you’re really afraid to do like reading your poem at an open mic night at a local café or having that conversation you know you should have but have been dreading. Feel the freedom and empowerment that lies on the other side of the fear you just stepped through. I like to take women on zip line trips to practice moving through fear. It can be really fun to embrace your fears.

3. Take on the big adventure of looking into your life for your passion or thing you love to do the most. We all have a piece of the puzzle we brought from home. Discover that puzzle piece and find a way to share it with the world. Surrender to the adventure of following your heart.

As you begin to pay attention to adventure and see your life from that perspective, ordinary events will become exciting mini-adventures and your life will be happier and more fulfilling. It was Helen Keller who said, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing,” leaving us with a legacy of “no excuses” not to find the adventure we came here to live.

I originally posted this as a guest post on Chatty Women on March 23, 2012

http://chattywomen.com/blog/2012/03/23/inviting-adventure-into-everyday-life-to-be-happier-guest-post/

What holds you back from being the extraordinary person you came here to be?

Whose life are you living? Have you ever considered this question? If you’re not living from your most authentic self, you could be in danger of living someone else’s life.

As children, we are raised knowing the expectations of us from our families and friends. Adolescence is a time when we work extra hard to fit in with the group. And over our whole lives, our egos do a fine job of steering us toward the goal of fitting in, as well as keeping us on the “safe and narrow”. How many times have you heard the story of the frustrated artist whose father expected him to become a doctor or a lawyer? Or the woman who gave up her career because her mother thought she should get married and have children? How many times do we buckle under the pressure of what another person wants for us, only to a lead sad version of someone else’s life? These expectations become the “rules” we live our lives by.

Of course it doesn’t have to be that dramatic. It happens more often than not on a much smaller scale. We say “yes” because it’s expected when we really want to say “no” and run screaming for the hills. We give up little pieces ourselves all the time to please others. Women have an especially hard time with this, with so many people in our lives to care for—children, husbands, friends and relatives. I’m not saying to stop caring for others. What I’m saying is to be more conscious of what you choose for yourself and the consequences of your choices.

One way to do this is to learn to live from your values or what you truly want. Do you value, safety and security or freedom and adventure? Drama or balance? Solitude or community? Which value to honor is a dilemma we often face. Once we begin to explore what we really want or what feels best in a given situation we can begin to make choices for ourselves that will make us happy in the long run, that is, if you value happy.

I recently had such a dilemma. A friend asked me to help out at her daughter’s birthday party since my daughter would be attending the party. I was planning on having some precious “me time” on my quiet Sunday afternoon. But I said “yes, I’ll help,” because that’s what a “nice” person would do (Who made up that rule? Maybe a nice person would say “no” in favor of self-care so then they wouldn’t be grumpy.) However, I noticed I was beginning to feel resentful about giving up the time that I needed for myself. So, I weighed my values in the situation. Which value did I want to honor in this situation—quiet time for myself or helping a friend? Once I had my answer, I called my friend and explained to her that I could not help at the party. I had a much needed peaceful afternoon and was ready the next day to begin a new week well rested.

What would you have done in that situation? Would have said “no” in the first place? Would you have said “yes” and then felt resentful for giving up your “me” time? Would you have said yes and then changed your mind only feel guilty later? Noticing where you are on the continuum in your own experience and choosing what is most important for you is the first step toward creating a life you love.

It’s not always easy to live from our values. The more you get comfortable with breaking the “rules” and asking yourself “what do I really want to create in my life?” the happier you will be.